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Monday, March 21, 2005
The Ocean of Happiness
For the lack of posts, I've been busy living life. I can't apologize.
I find it less and less necessary to express my inner thoughts to the masses. I suppose this is because I actually have REAL people to talk to, real friends. They're starting to fill that void that the SHOWER Room used to fill. But this blog still plays a special role in my need to share of myself.
I'm trying to have fun, I've been restless. Sure, I can write about the sex I'm having, or an interesting encounter on the subway, or work politics, or even my new tattoo I'm sporting (which looks similar to this fake one).
All of them seem petty lately.
Recently, when a good friend found out the details surrounding what had happened with Rockboy, he begged me: "Please, I ask you... don't refuse happiness." His words have reverberated with me for the past few days.
I've been told repeatedly that I carry so much guilt. It has greatly affected me especially in the dating arena. I've dismissed guys for the silliest of reasons. They've either been too perfect, too polite, too attentive, too rich, too successful, too good-looking, too sex-crazed, or simply just too good for me. These are great guys who want to make me happy, and yet I refuse them.
I don't know where this illogical guilt is coming from. I don't know what causes it. Thus, I can't sever away. I want to live out my potential. I don't want to hold back on life. But on a daily basis, I struggle with the thought that I deserve the good things that come to me. I have to accept that I deserve to be loved too.
I can't classify this guilt as 'low self-esteem' or lack of self-love because I'm not convinced that's what it is. But why is it when I'm pleasing a great guy (in bed), I feel very uncomfortable with his reciprocation? I can't accept it. I feel I have to run the show everytime.
I've been meditating and doing a fair bit of reading. I want to get to the root of this issue. Is it possible that I could be too giving for my own good? I haven't been selfish enough? I want to let go of this guilt. I really do. I need to learn to give myself to the ocean. I need to learn how to float.
Don't misconstrue for I am not unhappy. But I deserve greater happiness. I just don't know how to give that to myself.
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