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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Leading Him On?
I had a date with The King on Friday night. That was our unofficial third date. His plans of cooking dinner for me didn't exactly materialized, but all in all we still had a pleasant time. Watched a movie. Talked. Made out on his couch.
Immediately, I didn't feel comfortable with kissing so I nonchalantly focussed more on the snuggling aspect with lite kissing. The King sensed something wasn't right, but I retracted that I want to take things slow. Kissing suddenly became too intimate that I wanted to back off and avoid it. And when the King asked me to spend the night, as much as I like spooning, I really wasn't into it to the point where I eventually got up out of his bed and left him alone at 1 in the morning. Needless to say, he was not pleased.
I'm very reserved in his company which is weird since I tend to be the aggressor. He has all the qualities I am looking for in a life partner. He's kind, smart, talented, thoughtful, handsome, and I know he will treat me like a king. Now that I've come across someone of high caliber as him, I'm not moved? What's MY problem?
"The heart should be stabbed only to see if blood flows from it." I know love will come unexpectedly so I'm not chasing after it. But after meeting this guy who seems perfect for me, why is it that I feel nothing inside? It's not fair. I can't force the heart to feel; it has its own mind. But why am I not blown away by The King's romantic inclinations when under normal circumstances, I know that I would fall head over heels.
I'm trying to give The King a fair chance - to really get to know him. But also, I'm sorting out these feelings of numbness that do not make sense. Am I just gonna end up hurting him or even myself in the process?
I have another date with him tonight. If things do NOT work out, I will not prolong it any further. I promise to be honest with him. I'm hoping for the best. I don't want to give him that awful speech that we all have heard:
"It's not you, it's me!" *****
It's been two weeks since I got laid. Boohoo, I know! I'm trying to save my virginity for someone special. But it's really hard.....ummm....yeah... HARD! LOL.
For the past week, I have been unfocussed at work. My sexual drive is making me absolutely insane. Fantasizing about Kevin helped... that is until he mentioned that he doesn't bottom. Sigh. I can still dream.
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