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Thursday, March 31, 2005
Yay! I have Issues!
With meditation and guided dialogue, it's been an eye-opening last few days.
I found out that this illogical guilt is actually a deep rooted fear of committment. It stems from fear of being abandoned, ignited during childhood and something I have carried still at age 27.
I'm glad for some progress in getting to the root of all this because I really want to go forward with life. I couldn't understand what was holding me back.
To elaborate more closely, I have been afraid of rejection. My automatic defense tactic is to create excuses in abandoning other men before they abandon me. Doing it in this matter made me feel in control and empowered, making the perceived looming "abandonment" less painful to deal with. In other words, dump than be dumped. It's easier.
I was not consciously aware of my thought processes. I was on this thread for so long! Who knew I had issues stemming from childhood? The forgotten memories of a young 4 year old boy are surfacing. God, the drama. This is too funny, I have to laugh.
*****
Curiously enough, two people have reappeared in my life: The King & Rockboy.
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