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Wednesday, November 02, 2005
The Best Days of My Life
Stepping out of Musclegod's car, I tell him, "Thank you..." I paused. I wanted to say more. I was going to hold back, but I'm quickly reminded of what he had said to me in bed the night before: "People are afraid of love. Don't be afraid."
So I continue, "Thankyou... you gave me one of the best nights of my life."
With the expression on his face, Musclegod was clearly touched. Just as I cross the street to head to the office, he beeps his horn a few times while driving away, waving back at me. I thought about blowing him a kiss, but then that might be overdoing it.
I wave back.
*****
For someone who has had barely any sleep the night before, my day continued on with such a high. I felt the most rested I've ever been, my most alive.
Later that evening, there's a message on my voicemail from him. It left me in total bliss. I reminisce the continuous hot sex the night before. Musclegod politely asks me: "I'd really like it if you don't date other people."
He tells me: "I'm your man."
*****
Our last sleepover took place last Wednesday; a week has passed. I haven't met up with Musclegod since. He disappears on me 3 or 4 days without much word.
I'm confused.
When I asked if there are other men in his life, he denied it: "People assume that," he says. I believe him. But with more time passing without seeing him, I'm inclined to question. Actions speak louder than words. Exactly how sincere is his word?
He's so loving and very attentive when we're together. But I haven't seen him in a week. Something is up.
*****
As usual, days pass without communication from him. I got worried, wondering if he's alive. It was on Sunday that he finally picked up his phone. I asked him not to disappear on me, and he was very reassuring.
Hence, since music is one of his greatest passion, I invited him to a concert for Wednesday night (that's tonight). He's very excited. Later though, he cancels our planned sleepover for Sunday night. I'm disappointed; he tells me he hopes we can meet up on Tuesday. When I invite him to come out with me on Halloween Monday in costume, he is hesitant but promises to give me a call regardless.
Monday passes. No word.
Tuesday passes... almost.
Concerned that my concert tickets are going to be wasted, I call Musclegod after 10pm. I leave a message. Could he be living a double life?
Quarter to midnight, my phone rings. It's him. We talk for close to an hour. I reiterate where I stand, and that his silence for the past few days has left me with doubt reminiscent of my encounters with a previous fuckbuddy, Remingtonman.
The 'high-level thinking' conversation with Musclegod gave me a very uneasy feeling. He had this way of dogding my direct questions by giving vague replies while countering questions of his own. I stuck to my guns. Despite all this, our discussion was honest, positive and indepth. No trace of malice. It was quite fruitful as we mutually spoke of our personal philosophies.
As for tonight's concert, we're still on.
But depending on how everything unfolds, Musclegod is at bat, with two strikes against him and another ball to be served. We'll see how it goes.
*****
Over the course of the month, I have started to emotionally invest in Musclegod. I can honestly admit that not hearing from him caused a bit of stress. I recognized this and it angers me that I react like this. But I'm human, growing, evolving, working towards becoming smarter in dealing with my emotions.
I want to give love and be loved. It's just been difficult to pursue.
Yesterday early evening while running errands, grocery shopping, I found myself happily singing a tune. It quickly occurred to me that despite this self-imposed stress regarding Musclegod, I'm happy.
And this happiness has nothing to do with Musclegod. I've said before that the best days of my life are ahead of me and I look forward to living it.
It's funny how I see it now. I'm living it, the best days of my life; and everyday it only get better.
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