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Saturday, July 09, 2005
When is Sex Just Sex?
I fucked him.
It was 7 years in the making. He was my biggest fantasy. For a time, my feelings for him were crazy insane.
Ironically, as it turned out, our bedroom union was not the romantic, emotional, heartpounding event I dreamt it would be. No complaints though. The sex was good, a bit anticlimatic actually. I find it somewhat sad that it didn't amount to much (in terms of romantic feelings from his end). Years ago, this would have crushed me on the inside to realize I am not the guy for Make-up Muscle.
On the bright side of things, I wasn't disappointed.
I didn't feel empty. I came out of it unaffected yes, but also feeling more alive. For me not to have the past unhealthy attachment to Make-up Muscle during and after sex, it was confirmation that I have grown, healthy mentally and emotionally.
We didn't plan it. So, how did it happen?
It was for the simple premise that Make-up Muscle was torn over a guy (who later turned out to be a prostitute). Ofcourse, I was there for him as a friend. Really, I had no hidden agenda. It was interesting to see him emotionally vulnerable. To learn that he was capable of loving someone brought a wonderful sense of serenity in my heart. I found Make-up Muscle's heartbreak almost cute, endearing.
The events leading up to our bedroom fun went something like this: We hung out. Had pizza. Walked back to his place. Talk talk talk. Drank beer in his living room. Even more talk. Drank more beer. Yawn yawn stretch. Starting to fall asleep on his couch. It's past midnight. 'Can you sleep over?' says he. 'Sure, let's snuggle' says me. You can fill in the blanks of what happens next.
He was concerned. I told him to relax. To appease him, I said, "Don't analyze this [between us]. Sex is just sex." It surely didn't sound like something I would ever say to him, but life is funny that way, isn't it?
A few days later, over the phone, he recounts my words: "You even said so yourself, sex is just sex."
I correct myself: "Yes. But sex could also be one of the most beautiful things two people can share with each other."
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