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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
An Unfilfilling Fulfilled Fantasy
On Sunday morning, he phones me. He's thinking of driving up north, crossing the border. It was out of the blue. It was nice that Muscle T thought of me. "Sure, come up. I'd love to see ya." I tell him.
I was very excited. He was my fantasy. After 11 months, we re-unite.
It was late afternoon, finally, that he arrived at my apartment with luggage in hand. It seems surreal. He looked to be a different person. I was trying to absorb his presence, second-guessing whether this was the same person I met back in August, that was when he leaned down to kiss me on the lips, his way of saying hi. I hug back, "Uhhh...It's nice to see you."
My memory betrayed me. Thin almost frail arms, skinnier build, longer hair, faded dimples, cynical smile, I later realize that an operation can age a person significantly. I'm amazed that Muscle T looked ten years older; while I on the other hand, to his eyes as he claims, have not aged a day.
I have to admit my disappointment that the person standing in the flesh before me was not the same one who lived in my head. But seeing that my intentions with Muscle T was not purely on a physical level but on establishing a deeper relationship, I was still open to getting to know him further.
Sadly, I report there were no fireworks, at least not from my side. I engaged him in conversation. While his company was pleasant, I found it a struggle to reach an ease in our togetherness.
There were little things that bugged me about him. While I admire that he volunteers his time in a Church committee, I can't admire his stance behind it, especially with the fact that he's in the closet among his peers. When I asked him why he supports an organization that condemns him for his sexual orientation, his reply was that he's been going to church as a child, it's become tradition. It's this kind of automatic thinking that turned me off. He was a zombie, follower without thought, practicing a religion without his convinction. I'd have had a different reaction should he have said that he believed in, and loved, God. I would have accepted that with admiration.
Moreso, one of the many things I regard him for was that his second book was just published. Impressive! However, he was not proud nor passionate about any of his work. He doesn't even make time to read the works of other people.
Muscle T mentions he is a film buff. Good! I found relief in his statement thinking he might love movies as much as I do. But when I had him look through my DVDs, pointed at City of God, Y Tu Mama Tambien, or Casablanca, he drew a blank. He said he just saw War of the Worlds and Waterboy. He drew my silence.
I commend him for being health conscious about his diet, so am I. However he became so nitpicky about carbs, trans-fats and salts, it wasn't fun anymore. Also, in many ways I've never seen anyone as close minded as he was when it came to Sushi or anything remotely exotic. Don't say you don't like Sushi when you haven't even tried it.
I could go futher with this from a sexual standpoint. For example, don't say you only like to top when you've never bottomed. It only tells me that you will not be open in exploring greater sexual consciousness with me as your partner.
So yes, I did sleep with Muscle T. When I couldn't connect with him physically and intellectually, I experimented with the sexual card in hopes we would connect emotionally. Why not? He was trying his best to click with me. I had nothing to lose.
The outcome? The overnight bed activity left me just as unfilfilled, especially when I first sensed his selfishness in bed. So in turn, I decided to cum first.
On the upside of things, on the brunch menu the next morning, with my influence, he ordered something else other than green salad or chicken. In the end, he was pleasantly surprised that mango and papaya was as good as it was, and he had me to thank for that.
*****
I'm being too hard on Muscle T. We will be keeping in touch. He really is a nice guy. He's just not my cup of tea. In the end, I suppose it's curiousity satisfied with the realization of a fantasy I nourished for nearly a year. Looking back, sometimes it's better to hold on to memories of what could be, simply reveling in happy ecstacy. Sometimes, that is more.
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