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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Integrity in Friendships
I have not dealt with the issue of C.C. with integrity. Refusing to hurt him, I gave a little lie that snowballed into a bigger one.
It's amazing how bloggers can act as a seesaw, balancing your thoughts with a point-of-view from the other side. In my dialogue with Rob at Apt. 604, I wrote: "I've re-evaluated my action... [telling the truth] will not do any good other than a clear conscience on my part. [C.C.] is a big boy and he can take care of himself... I prefer [him] to arrive to Toronto without feeling that I rejected him of my friendship. And, he can arrive knowing he can meet anyone with clear conscience or serious attachment to [me]."
I was determined to play along with the lies. But as fellow blogger Rob writes: "When you want to kill off something with minimal suffering, you shoot it in the head and get it over with, right? Right now it just sounds you're starving it to death, instead... if you really care for him, it's far more compassionate to firmly and unequivocally tell him to move on... IF he is in love with you, it's the only way he's going to really get over it."
I thought about it some more and Rob was right. Hence, I sent an e-mail to C.C. yesterday morning telling him that we need to talk. My message was brief: "...if I am serious about our friendship, telling lies are not the way to go..."
I talked with C.C. last night. I presented myself admirably, I suppose as one who had guts not to sugarcoat or shy away from the truth. It was the difficult road to take. I had to take it. If people told the truth, wouldn't that make life so much easier?
Yes, but the truth hurts. C.C. has decided that he won't be coming up north for a Pride visit. He insists his decision has nothing to do with me. To be honest, I don't quite buy his excuses. But for now, I can only take his word for it. His words last night echoed the same sentiments I was hoping to avoid all along: "I had one of the best weekends of my life over there last year, if I come back I'm only going to be disappointed."
I gave the consolation speech that I dread of getting myself from another guy that I truly like. I cringed when I told C.C. "You're such a great guy." I didn't follow up that statement with a "but", but there was the unspoken "but" making him feel secondary, that he wasn't good enough for me. The time we had spent together... I tried to express how very special it was to me. But I don't think C.C. was able to hear those words anymore.
The rest of our phone conversation was awkward, folllowed by a series of recurring silence. I bridged the discussion to maintaining friendship. By then, our talk felt forced and had become dull: What did you do today? How was work? Blah blah blah bullshit. What else could I say?
By the time I hung up, I felt I had lost a battle. I'm not so sure friendship with C.C. is inevitable. I guess time will tell if he is serious about it too.
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