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Friday, December 03, 2004
The Anatomy of a Broken Heart
Heartbreaks... the more unexpected, the deeper the cut.
I think I was cut pretty deep. I won't know the extent of this self-damage until I get some breathing time... oh maybe sometime next week.
For the past few days, I've had a strong drive to do something exciting. I was at a tattoo parlour. I was close to turning this fake tattoo into a real one. I am usually level-headed and not the type to rush into things. Hence, temptation averted.
When Remingtonman called me yesterday to catch up on my birthday, I wasn't looking for sex. Then again, I found myself inviting him over to my apartment. And oh god, he fucked my brains silly.
That was great. When he left, I didn't feel any emptiness. (It didn't take me long to have rebound sex, did it?) I was still sad but I realized the sex was therapeutically soothing. Letting my emotions run wild may not be such a bad idea afterall. Nevermind the safety net, I will have to explore this heartache to see the desperation and the potential trouble my vulnerability might take me. Who knows... this might actually be healthy. The sharp pain inside me feels so damn good. Is this because there's a thin line that separates pain and pleasure?
Tonight, I'm heading to Montreal. Yes, on a whim. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do there. But it's given me a dose of excitement.
Here I am pouring my heart out in documentary-fashion. Laugh, applaud, or send support, I feel indifferent. Just spare me the talk of keeping hope that my guy awaits around the corner. I have confidence in that. I might be down right now, but I'll get back right up.
I thought I would be writing about this guy, but it turned out to be someone new I met merely a month ago. The irony of it all! Unforecasted.
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