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Monday, October 18, 2004
Autumn Colours
I took this photo of wilting flowers in mid-September. This is a beautiful picture to illustrate that Autumn has finally arrived this weekend. If the crunchy leaves on the ground hasn't gotten your attention, I'm sure the cold weather did. Brrr...
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I had one of those weekends where I kept having emotional highs and lows. I was orange, red, then dark. Happy one moment, then depressed the next. It was weird.
As of Friday noon, I was fresh from signing the papers for the new position I accepted. I was scared and apprehensive, but I'm also very proud of myself to get to this point. So having said that, I really wanted to celebrate. But the person I want to share this moment with, Banana Boy, was unavailable - busy preparing for an extended work-related assignment in Central America.
And then, the part of me that overthinks things went on a rampage. I couldn't stop it. Oh god I tried. Essentially, my basic feelings were that while I haven't known Banana Boy for very long, I'm really going to miss him. I feel foolish just with the idea of missing him given that we are merely "dating" and we haven't built a solid foundation yet. I'm already investing much of my mind with this guy without much basis, so in a way I feel what I'm doing is a bit unhealthy. Anyways, Banana Boy tells me that he really wants to see me again when he gets back. Hence, things were left at "I'll talk to you soon."
On Saturday morning, I went to a seminar with my mom. She begged me to attend it with her. The non-stop testimonials made me a bit uncomfortable. I felt strangely part of a cult. This vague story is unrelated, but I mention this only to bring up my mom and that I was being given an opportunity to share my moment with her. As a parent, she would be proud of me and rightfully so - I want her to feel proud. So did I tell her of the good news?
Yes, but I downplayed it. I didn't feel like celebrating with her.
By Saturday night, I went to a friend's birthday celebration-turned-sex-confessional-slumber-party. I had a fun time, met some interesting people who talked about fisting and water sports among other things. Fun stuff... but I eventually left to go to a nearby club all by myself. Aw.
As a sidenote: I'm glad that I'm at that point now where I can walk into a place like Woody's and have confidence that there would be at least one or two people whom I can call an acquaintance or friend. I ran into a guy who I knew had a big crush on me. I ended up hanging out with him for much of the night. Got to know him a little bit. Totally cool guy. We walked home together. He talked about how much he's not looking forward to the winter season. I can see him shivering through his fall jacket. I wanted to warm him up by rubbing his torso, moreover, I was very tempted to invite him back to my place for a one-night-snuggle.
But I didn't. Suddenly, a one-night-snuggle has become too intimate for its own good. I couldn't share my bed with any faceless body. God, I'm so wishy-washy with this whole one-night-snuggle fiasco. Holy shit. So... I walked solo for the rest of the way home. I had a relatively fun evening. So how could I feel lonely on my bed? By the time I jerked off to sleep, I was fine. A very good night's rest was had. I guess that was my celebration right there.
Looking back at my weekend, while I had some happy moments with my mom and my friends, I confess I was at my happiest when I was about to leave the club. I was putting on my orange scarf that went perfectly with my red golf shirt and black leather jacket. I felt so chic, so beautiful, so gay.
Autumn is so the time to wear these colours.
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