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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
...And That Was That
Musclegod and I followed different ideals. I couldn't support him in his quest. Not that I didn't try; I was at the point where I started to compromise myself... which ofcourse is never a good thing.
Those were the signs. Despite recognizing them, I still hoped for the best.
The truth is... it was Musclegod's decision not to pursue further. I thought I would be the one to walk away, but I wanted more of him. He was addictive. But he knew I wanted to see him more, and he was too consumed with his own affairs.
We had talked on the phone for an hour that Sunday; we said our goodbyes. I wanted to discuss further; he didn't, he was tired of talking. It was unfortunate; I had to leave it alone. So... that was that.
Goodbye.
*****
The next evening, Musclegod calls me. He wanted to meet up; I didn't care to. It was over, what else is there to talk about? I made my closure. I was already tucked in bed reading a book, cozy and warm.
"I'll be there in 5 minutes," he says. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to appear angry because I wasn't. So I got up; I got dressed.
We went for a drive. We talked. We didn't talk about anything really. I was disappointed.
At the end of the night, I gave him a hug. He wanted a hug. He wanted a kiss too. I gave him a 'no'; and that was that.
*****
Last week, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from Musclegod. While I have missed his company, I stopped entertaining fantasies involving him. The process of moving on, I was doing just fine. Nonetheless, it was still comforting to hear from him.
He said that he has been thinking about me. He would like to see me also, but now is not the right time. He posed a question to me: "Could you help me to understand what to feel if you were me and I were you?"
My reply is best summarized like this: "I do not harbour ill feelings towards you; nothing could be further from the truth. Infact, I think very good thoughts of you... I know you will be successful with your ventures. I wish you love, and I wish you the very person/thing you seek in life."
And that is that.
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