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Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Pride Weekend in Montreal - part two
I had reservations about going to Montreal. I didn't care to go, I can party in my own city just fine. But HorseHung wanted me to join him and I, truly wanting to spend time with him, reluctantly said yes.
With the invite, I approached the weekend as an open opportunity to get to know HorseHung further, to establish a firmer foundation in our mint-fresh relationship. I consciously tried not to analyze anything, just have fun with it all, enjoy HorseHung's company for what it is. But something didn't feel quite right.
I had a chance to observe HorseHung in a social setting, interacting with his friends. We all can concur: you are your friends. On the plus side, I found HorseHung's friends to be a positive, down-to-earth, fun-loving bunch. We had a blast hanging out together.
It's nice to see this social butterfly side in HorseHung . He knew so many people. He held my hand in announcement of our coupleship to the masses of Montreal. Whether at a private party, tea dance, restaurant, bar, club, or at a street somewhere, we were never truly alone. We were surrounded by his friends.
It's not that I couldn't hold my own in the company of HorseHung's friends, I did very well infact. He even made a comment that I am the centre of attention (in a good way) and I have a natural way of having others listen to what I have to say. His friends were great, but the bottom line is I just wanted to spend quality time with HorseHung.
The only opportunity presented itself at the end of every evening. I would be in the bedroom with HorseHung, wishing to snuggle but not getting much in reciprocity. He would be too tired or too hot.
This left me cold.
Yesterday morning back in Toronto, I finally started assessing my weekend. I realized that the missing component was intimacy. It equated to the imbalance which I instinctively felt. Yes, the weekend was a whole lot of fun. The chemistry was definitely there. Indeed, the sex was fun too. It was good. Not great. Why? Intimacy (or lack thereof) makes a skyhigh difference.
On the way back home the previous day, I engaged HorseHung in solo conversation. I was enjoying his company. I had a fun weekend myself, but why is he so stressed? There is a context to his indifference toward my presence. HorseHung had things to sort out for himself. I can't take it personal. I told myself I had the confidence in HorseHung to deal with those issues.
Hence, I'm taking the mature step and show acceptance without truly understanding what's going on inside his mind.
On the outset, I really like this guy. Although I see some minor signs that spell disaster already, I want to make it work. I am ready to work hard at communication.
But also, I'm getting attached too early. I going to pull back a bit.
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