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Thursday, August 18, 2005
More Adventures in Montreal
Scuba was nursing a bruised ego, recently having been dumped by ShyGuy, his boyfriend of over 3 years. He needed to keep busy.
He knew that HorseHung and I weren't doing too well either. I pretty much called it kaputs and was in the process of walking away to save myself unscathed. I needed to keep busy.
Hence, we went to Montreal. Spur of the moment. My second time this month.
Since Scuba's son, Ken, was is in town for the summer, we had no choice but to have him tag along. But it didn't matter. We were out to party.
We took Ken out to his first gay bar, his first gay club. his first gay sex shop, his first drag show, and his first casino. He even bought his first six-pack of beer. Lots of firsts. He was cool with listening to Madonna and Cyndi Lauper during our drive to Quebec and back. I can't stress just how super cool he was.
But he had to draw the line somewhere. Ken refused to enter any gay strip clubs. Party pooper! I suppose that even the coolest hetero has limits. And, Ken was bombarded with gay comments and innuendoes left, right and centre, all weekend long.
For example: Me asking: "So Ken, if you were into men, what would be your type?"
or Scuba commenting: "Ken, your 5 o'clock is so hot. I hope he's uncut."
*****
Going to Montreal with Scuba helped me a great deal with the HorseHung issue. Scuba and I spotted each other, emotionally speaking. We were giving one another the same advice: #1) move on, #2) life is short, #3) we deserve better.
In many ways, how ShyGuy treated him was reminiscent of how I was being treated by HorseHung. To witness a person go through a similar experience was therapeautic. We told each other we will not allow ourselves to be mistreated.
By the time I got home, I was emotionally stronger.
*****
At the club, I lived vicariously through Scuba. It's not about me picking up boys and getting laid, it's about Scuba. I kept pressing him on to be the aggressor on the dancefloor. I succeeded in finding him a hot French-Canadian boy.
In some small consolation, I felt I got laid too. Sure, I met some interesting people but I've made my mind up that I wasn't entertaining anyone's glances. I was just happy Scuba hooked up.
The only casualty was that they were both tops.
*****
Before French-Canadian boy took Scuba home, I noticed Scuba was feeling a bit uneasy. And then, he was distancing himself from the French-Canadian boy.
Scuba (whispering though still yelling to compete with the loud music): "...I don't know what to do. This guy is so hot. He wants me to go to his place. I want to go but I don't want my son to think I'm a slut."
My quick response was: "But you are a slut."
We laugh.
Me: "Go home with him. You need to. You owe it to yourself."
Scuba: "But Ken is watching me get it on with this guy. It's not...."
Me: "Ken is an adult now. "
At the end of the night, in conversation, I tried to assess how Ken felt about his dad being promiscuous. It's an interesting scenario that you don't see everyday. But as I knew he would be, Ken was cool with it.
*****
I finally saw HorseHung on early Tuesday evening. Briefly.
He called me. We haven't talked. I've stopped calling. Conincidentally, I was with Scuba and we just finished our workout at the gym. HorseHung had just finished work.
So, I invited him to join me with Scuba. Ten minutes later, he appeared. And ten minutes later afterwards, he disappeared.
I wanted to see him, his smile, his face. I wanted him to see me too because I felt sexy that night, and I wanted him to take notice of that. I thought perhaps we'd talk about wanting to talk because we haven't done much of it. But it never came to this.
I wanted him to say that he wants to see me that night, or the next night, or make plans to spend special alone time together. But that didn't happen either.
I wanted to ask him to come home with me, spend the night. I wanted to touch his hand a little while longer. I wanted to tell him that I missed him very much. But I didn't say any of my wants.
Some minutes later, HorseHung had to leave because he had "stuff to do". I watched him walk away with an air of disappointment. He looked sad. I was sad too. Scuba patted me on the back: "Well done".
But HorseHung is not the only one walking away. I'm walking away from this too. I failed miserably with my oath of communication to him, but I'm not all to blame. It takes two to tango. After one too many half-ass self-centred incidences on his end, I found it pointless to encourage anything further.
I'm only going to hurt myself. Now, I found my way out of doing that.
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