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Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Lala Land
I am in Lala Land. It's been awhile since I've been in Lala Land. It's nice.
Things with HorseHung are going really well. Still, it's too early for anything. But I feel good about him and about who I am when I'm with him. I'm not trying to impress anyone. It's liberating.
Right now, I'm going with the flow of what feels right, keeping in mind that balance of 'responsiblity' as well as stopping this over-analytical bullshit that I tend to do. I took the advice of my friend Fartboy. As he says: "Don't make sex such a big deal. You're only going to put unfair pressure on him...if it ever does get down to finally having sex weeks or months from now."
Before, I looked at things methodically, and ignored what felt right on the inside. I held on to the idea of calculating time to dictate progress in a new what-could-be relationship as oppose to letting feelings dictate how best to proceed. I thought that waiting a few weeks before having sex was the way to go.
This weekend, I threw out this way of thinking. HorseHung and I spent pretty much the entire weekend getting to know together. And yes, I did put out.
We fucked like rabbits.
*****
On Sunday night, there was that moment when HorseHung gave me the "I can't wait to see you again" kiss while heading out of my apartment. I closed the door behind him. Instead of going back to reading the new Harry Potter book, for about a good minute, I peeked through the peephole of my front door, watching HorseHung wait for the elevator. I stayed at my gaze until he finally disappeared through those elevator doors. I was calm.
I write all this here to share an ongoing lesson that I struggle with. And unexpectedly, the risk has paid off... well, at least for this week. And now, I find myself in Infatuation Land.
Be happy for me.
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