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Friday, October 01, 2004
I'm Not Ready - Leave Me Alone
...Or maybe give me freedom, but don't leave me alone. There's a new persona I seem to be playing. Lately, I'm the "asshole".
*****
At the gym, there are the silent type, as well as the chatters who pretty much get nothing done. Mostly, I'm the silent type who go in, work out, then get out in 60 minutes or less. I wasn't feeling very sociable that Tuesday.
Ofcourse, I came face to face with *Flamer*. I briefly wrote about Flamer in a post last August. He asked me out. My reply was a friendly 'yes'. Weeks have passed and nothing came of his invitation. Even though I'm not attracted to him, I thought perhaps we could be friends.
As he approaches, I say hello. His first few words went something like: "When are you going to take me out?"
"What?"
"You asked me out, remember?"
I was going to play it easy, but I wanted to be difficult. So, I corrected him: "No, it was you who asked me out." I think I came off like an attitude queen because our conversation was short.
*****
When I got home from the gym, there was an e-mail from Redboy. I see he's complying with the 'two day wait rule'. Good boy!
"I had a good time hanging with you Sat/Sun. You're a good conversationalist. Give me a call this week..."
I don't particularly feel like returning his e-mail. He waited two days. I'll wait four before replying.
*****
Later that Tuesday evening, I received an email from C.C. We've kept in touch since Pride. It looks like things are turning for the better for him since we last spoke two weeks ago. His e-mail ends as per verbatum:
"...I hope you meant what you said about my coming back [to Toronto] anytime. I would love to see you again. Take care Sweetie..."
That was a hint. He's waiting for a positive reply. I can tell he's hoping to visit me sometime this October. He's such a nice guy, but I haven't missed his company. I feel it's too soon to see him again.
It's only polite to call back or reply to his e-mail, but I don't feel like it. I don't want to encourage a long-distance relationship. Why do I have to be an asshole in order to make a point?
*****
I'm a walking contradiction.
If there is anything that can be confirmed in these three instances, the evidence is clear. As much as I want to share my life with that special somebody, I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
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