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Wednesday, September 08, 2004
The Right Me
On Monday afternoon, the goodbyes were swift, no dwelling, nothing prolonged. The chapter on C.C. is not closed. Back at my apartment, the most amazing thought bubble appeared atop my head:
"Oh my god, I don't want to be in a relationship!"
I was shocked at how relieved I was to find myself alone again. I didn't realize how valuable my independence has become to me. Happily, as if I just discovered the key to living life to the fullest, I made a pact: 'Why do I want to be in a relationship in the first place? It just spells out hassle. Most of the time, it's never worth the trouble!'
Two hours later while washing dishes and listening to Jill Scott, I was hit with a wall of silence. It was sudden and strong and it took form in the shape of restlessness (or loneliness - take your pick). I didn't feel invincibly independent anymore. I missed C.C.'s company.
Then, things started making sense.
I realized I want my cake and want to eat it too. I want to feel free, but also want a sense of permanency in a faithful somebody. I want another warm body to share my bed with, and but when things become inconvenient or too crowded for me, I want to be able to discard. I will now admit that I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up the luxuries of singledom. I guess I got used to being a solo act that anything clashing with my routine becomes choking or boxing.
When I meet guys at a bar, it never fails that I get asked why I'm single. And, my reply is "The right one has yet to come along..." It was an honest answer and I believed it. But really, it's only half true. I'm looking for the right one when all this time, I should also have been ensuring that I'm the right me... the me that is willing to sacrifice time and effort. I do want a meaningful relationship, someone to share my life with, and his with mine.
I thought I was ready for a relationship. For now, I want to have fun. As much as I like sex, I can't bring myself to have another one night stand with the next cute guy I meet. Dilemma dilemma.
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