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Tuesday, May 04, 2004
The Different Faces of Loneliness: part 3
It's been some time since 'loneliness' has shown its' face. This emotion is suddenly so alien to me. The last time I felt this way was a year ago when things didn't end well with a guy I cared for very deeply. At the time, I felt lonely but I was never alone. I had great friends who supported me.
This time around, it's different because on top of emptiness, there's abandonment. When the two closest people in my life for whom I had been their constant rock of support, detaches themselves from me, I feel...
I haven't done anything wrong. It's just that people grow & people grow apart. The path of struggles that my two closest friends are heading is towards a different direction away from me. That's okay. Maybe I'm "too happy" for them. Friends this good will always care for each other regardless.
I usually deal with loneliness by keeping busy. As I pointed to my friend Scuba: sometimes when you're lonely, you don't even know it. It's like being happy. You don't know that you are having the time of your life until the emotions pass. Recognition is not immediate. But unlike Scuba, I decided to embrace these emotions head-on. This past weekend was an introspective introvertive exercise. I wanted to get at the heart of the truth and turn it into gold. The last time I did this, I came away with much creative angst. I started painting nine self portraits, one after the other. That was February 2003. I haven't had the same creative drive since.
So, I was hopeful. It did give me some clarity. It made me think of my current relationships and the rich histories I have with my close friends.
I never felt much need to go outside my circle of friends. But looking back at old posts of my old blog, this whole scenario has been escalating for the last half year. I didn't even realize it. Ultimately, this void manifested itself in the form of this blog.
And now, I am left behind. But I'm okay.
This is healthy.
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